At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
