all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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