I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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