yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i came on her dog
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
