had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
