you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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