Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
last night I used snow as a chaser
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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