Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
