My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
