a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
