We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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