he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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