9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
