I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
