sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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