i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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