u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
