How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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