your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Found your dick twin last night
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
