I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
