i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
