He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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