Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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