Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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