Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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