sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
