there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
