My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
