He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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