awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
