Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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