I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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