my room smells like sperm. sweet.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
