please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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