3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
