So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
