Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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