I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
