we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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