I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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