Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
