I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
