we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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