How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
