I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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