I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
