Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
