I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
