Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
