My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
