Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
