the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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